Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Weekly Visioning

Hey y’all,

So, I have a confession to make... I have been intentionally putting off updating this blog. You see, last month, I decided that I wanted to take it in a different direction; I want it to be less of a glorified journal and more of a series of thoughtful articles analyzing what I am learning through my various adventures, activities, and projects. (This decision was admittedly connected to the shocking discovery that people other than my mom actually read this, which made me rather self-conscious of my self-absorbed blatherings.)

However, constructing a meaningful analysis of the themes throughout my life and work adds a couple layers of complexity to writing an entry. First, I have to actually analyze (which is to say, stop and think about) what I am doing and why it matters. Then, I have to craft those thoughts into a vaguely interesting article. No pressure. But, I have finally overcome my resistance, and I believe I have something vaguely resembling a meaningful topic. Here it goes...

Recently, my friend Gabriel introduced me to “weekly visioning,” a tool that allows one to focus one’s energy for the week and that connects vision and intention with specific goals and tasks. I have found this tool very helpful in several ways.

First, it has contributed significantly to my comfort and peace of mind. I can sit down for a half an hour or so at the beginning of my week and decide, from the vast array of things that could be done, what goals I am going to focus my energy on. A series of questions allows me to gather and organize my thoughts such that I can determine a guiding intention for my week and specific, achievable goals that help manifest that intention.

Having an overall, guiding intention for the week focuses my energy on one or two things. This allows me to both focus intently on what I have chosen and safely set aside my manifold other (wonderful and important) intentions for another time. I feel much more relaxed when I can acknowledge that, though many things are important to me and will be given energy in their turn, I need not attend to all my burdens all the time. To my delight, I am finding that by not overwhelming myself, I am actually more productive.

Having four to six concrete, realistic goals allows me to see steady progress. I feel like I am “on it,” which is empowering and energizing.

Having stated intentions and goals allows me to act with intentionality. I can read my list of goals daily, and I can look at my intention to remind myself why those goals are important to me. I can be conscious about my actions, deciding whether or not they are in alignment with my intention and goals. If not, I can then consciously decide whether or not it would serve me to act differently. It is very clear whether or not I am in accountability with my goals, which helps me to remain accountable to myself (and to Gabriel, who helps me stay accountable with myself).

The most powerful question (for me) asks me to “Imagine this week as the best, most exciting, engaging, effective, and transformative week of your life. What does it look like?” I think the really beautiful thing about this question is that it doesn’t ask, “What do you think is realistically possible this week, given all of the many constraints, obligations, uncertainties, doubts and fears of life?” No. It asks how this week could be most meaningful, and then challenges me to make it happen. Transformative, indeed.

I even modified the questions a bit and envisioned my year, which was a really beautiful and powerful experience for me. I now have my vision and goals for this year hanging on my wall so that I might daily challenge myself to make 2012 the best, most exciting, engaging, effective, and transformative year of my life.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Bringing it Up To Date!

Hello all!

Here, as promised, is another blog entry, in which I intend to cover everything from the herbal conference to current. (Yikes!!!) Here we go…

So, the day after the herbal conference, Brian and I shifted into full throttle at work. The people for whom he was building the house needed to move in at the end of October, as the lease on their apartment was up. Granted, the house was mostly finished, but we weren’t exactly in “two weeks out” shape. So, we worked a 50-hour week followed by a 60-hour week, and finished up just in the nick of time.

It was intense. Not because the work was that difficult. I was doing mostly detailed finish work: sanding, applying stain, unmasking, touching up minor imperfections, etc. The intensity came from the long days; we worked 10 hour days, on average, which is literally dawn until dusk at this time of year!

On the other hand, it would not be accurate to say that the work was easy, either.

One of my projects was to strip and refinish an antique door with fifteen panes of beveled glass. Well, come to find out there were six distinct layers of paint (and goddess only knows how many coats of each…), which had to be painstakingly removed from each little crevice around every individual pane of glass. (By the way, no matter how much pain you are in after spending 10 hours bent over, scraping a trillion layers of ancient paint out of every nook and cranny of a ridiculously complex door, DO NOT complain at the dinner table that your back hurts from all the stripping you did that day. Your housemates will never, ever, ever let you live it down.) Anyway, two days, two cans of stripping agent, and $200 in labor later, they had me paint it a striking shade of cobalt blue.

Other projects forced me to face my fear of heights. One space in the house features a sort of balcony/skylight feature, where the second floor is opened up to allow light into the kitchen. (It’s very difficult to describe, but I hope to get pictures up soon.) Anyway, there is a window that is inaccessible except by a 20-foot ladder from the first floor, and a couple of weeks previously a bird had gotten in and pooped all over that windowsill. Brian asked me to climb up the ladder and clean it off. It was a very, vey tall ladder. Luckily, I was too proud to admit to Brian that I was too afraid to take on the task. I mean, come on! In Peru, I walked along the edges of cliffs that dropped off easily 100 feet. So I climbed up the ladder and cleaned the bird shit off the windowsill. I sweat bullets and my hand cramped up from my cast iron grip on the ladder, but I did it. Here’s to the healthy use of ego!

After that, Brian asked me to get on the roof and, with a broom, knock down all the cobwebs and wasp’s nests that had accumulated in the eves. Well, I’d done already faced my fear of the ladder, and since the house is bermed in, the roof isn’t terribly high… on one side of the house… But again, I invoked the power of the ego. I have pictures. It was a really nice day for being on the roof, too; warm, but not foot-burning. (You have to walk barefoot on metal roofs to avoid denting them.)

Anyway, I soldiered-up, and I made it. I got it while the getting was good. And did I get it! I ended up making a little over $2,500 in six weeks. Go. Me.

And apparently, I passed muster with Mr. Brian Love, as he subsequently offered me a work exchange position: house and farm-sitting for him while he is off on a sailing adventure this winter. So, this Thursday, December 1st, I am moving across the village to his house.

Brian’s house will be a wonderful place to spend the winter. Built with a rock solid passive solar design, the warmth from the sun maintains the house at a fairly constant 75-80 degrees all winter, without any additional heating! It is truly incredible. In addition to being well designed and efficient, the house is elegant and beautiful, and being surrounded by beauty is really uplifting. Plus, I am super excited about learning how to care for his flock of sheep (that’s the “farm-sitting” part). I have always loved and wanted to work with animals, and now I am getting my chance!

However, moving to Brian’s means leaving Medicine Wheel, which is bittersweet. I’ve had some great times here and my housemates feel a lot like family. I also think the vision for the neighborhood is really beautiful. However, given a lot of the advice I have gotten from long-time members, I think that it is really important for me to explore other neighborhoods and seeing what else Earthaven has to offer before I commit. I may end up back at Medicine Wheel, I may stay at Gateway after Brian returns, or I may end up somewhere completely unexpected. Who knows? Recently, the universe seems to have taken all of my careful plans, patted me on the head, and dropped them into the trash compactor. The new plan is that I have no plan. I have goals and direction and an understanding that there are many paths by which those goals may be achieved and an openness to those paths. Gai way oh.

Also, I recently found out that I will not be living alone at Brian’s. A really lovely family – Tiffany and Temple and their awesome kids, Amber (7), Evan (5), and Ocean (1) – will be joining me, at least until April or May, by which time they plan to have closed on a house and property of their very own. While I don’t know them all that intimately, my impressions and interactions have all been really positive. Tiffany and Temple are both really friendly and generous, and their kids are just fantastic. (I was recently at the house working on a project that involved sorting cloves of garlic into “preserve-able” and “compost,” and both Amber and Evan joined right in to help me. Of course, a number of play breaks were enjoyed, but they were super helpful, cooperative, respectful, and a ton of fun. Plus, Ocean is just melt-your-heart adorable. I just wanna squeeze him!) Anyway, the whole family is very well loved in the community, which is always a good sign. I am really excited to get to know them. It seems like Tiffany and I will be having a lot of fun cooking and doing crafts together this winter, and it’s really nice to have the genuine joy and playfulness of happy, healthy kids in my energetic space. Plus, now I have community with whom to collaborate on food and chores, which is really helpful. So, here’s to new living situations.

So, the other major thread in my life has been the initiation of a new romantic relationship. Exactly one month ago today, I met Giles at Medicine Wheel’s Hallowe’en party, and we immediately hit it off. I was initially charmed by his skills at dancing and conversation (both of which are eminently noteworthy), but through the powers of openness and honesty, we have managed to cultivate a really deep relationship in a surprisingly short period of time. In a mere month, we’ve come to a really rich understanding of and appreciation for each other. I feel like he is more familiar with my dreams and aspirations, doubts and insecurities, traumas, joys, personality flaws and character strengths, ambitions and fears and philosophy of life than some people I’ve known for years. And likewise, I feel like I know him more intimately than many of my closest friends.

And what I know of him is this: first and foremost (for me), Giles is really clear about his life purpose and work, which involves using story-telling as a tool for transformation, from personal to global. This clarity of direction not only gives meaning to his life but also informs the meaning and purpose of his relationships, including his relationship with myself, adding a very attractive layer of depth to our connection. Giles is also a real gentleman, and he has acted with deep integrity, which allows me to feel very safe in trusting him. He has also demonstrated this incredible capacity to communicate in deep, meaningful, connective ways. I am continually impressed by his ability to make himself vulnerable in the service of connective communication, as well as his ability to make me feel safe sharing all the things that make me feel most vulnerable.

He is intelligent and articulate. He has been really generous and tender. He makes me laugh, and that is really important. He is charming and romantic, and he treats me like a lady. (We have been on some excellent dates, including a rock climbing adventure, a very romantic dinner at a fancy, delicious tapas restaurant, and an ecstatic dance experience that left me literally and figuratively breathless.) He is a fantasy author and a rock climber. And he just about matches my degree of geekiness, which is, of course, incredibly hot.

I am looking forward to continuing to get to know him more deeply and seeing what kind of gifts and growth our relationship will offer us.

Well, that’s about it. Except that I have another terrible case of poison ivy. “How?!” you may ask, “How can you possibly be covered in poison ivy? It’s almost December, for the love of Gaia!” Well, it was a really nice day last Tuesday – short sleeve weather at the end of November! – and I was ripping out honeysuckle and blackberry brambles in the orchard to prepare beds for planting in the spring. Though the foliage has died back, I did not take into account that, as I ripped up honeysuckle roots, I might have been disturbing poison ivy roots, which are covered in more of those volatile oils than the leaves.

So, like last time, it took a couple days to show up, but I ended up getting it really badly in the little cuts on my arms from the blackberries I took out (those things are absolutely vicious), and I think I got it systemically, because it is popping up in exactly the same places I had it this summer. For some reason, however, it isn’t nearly as bad. Maybe it’s the cooler, less sticky weather. Maybe I have developed a physical and/or emotional tolerance. Maybe it just isn’t as severe. Maybe I have only been dealing with it for four days, rather than two weeks. For whatever reason, it isn’t driving me nearly as insane as it did in back in August. Yet.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Finally slowing down... a bit

Wow! Long time, no update, y’all. Sorry about that! However, life is finally settling down a bit for the winter. Well, a bit.

Let’s see, the last time I updated was on the eve of the Southeast Women’s Herbal Conference (which seems like several lifetimes ago now). As I expected, I had a really powerful experience. It almost felt like an anniversary, considering that it was the 2010 Herbal Conference that got me interested in Western North Carolina and initiated my relationship with Earthaven. (Red Moon Herbs, the company that organizes and sponsors the conference, is based out of Earthaven.)

I took some awesome classes, but the two that really stand out for me are the two I took with Dr. Ada-Belinda Dancing Lion, whose perfect blend of humor, wisdom, and no-nonsense delivery made her one of the best teachers with whom I have ever taken a class. The first class was on the Wise Woman Tradition and how it differs from the Scientific Tradition and the Heroic Tradition. The most powerful take-home point for me was the importance of taking good care of myself first. No one else knows better than me what I need and no one else is better equipped to give it to me than myself. Radically intuitive, huh? The second class was entitled “Living Takes Life: Our Predatory Nature,” and it was incredible! We talked about how, as mammals with canines and eyes in the front of our heads, human beings (including women!) are predators. The word “predator” carries a negative connotation in our culture (i.e. sexual predatory) because it is misused. The only two reasons predators in the wild kill are to eat or to defend. (By this logic, “sexual predators” are not true or healthy predators; they are mentally ill, which is to say attacking for reasons other than defense or food, and the term predator doesn’t really even apply.) Anyway, in reclaiming our predatory nature, we reclaim our right to take care of ourselves first, which is the only way we can truly take care of anyone else anyway. You can’t give something you don’t have. As Dancing Lion said, “Your nice is killing you.” Also, we reclaim our power to protect ourselves, even in the subtle realm of our energetic field. Predators aren’t “mean;” they have good boundaries. They know and are present with their own limits. Plus, they let you know where those boundaries are with a low growl before they attack to defend those boundaries, which is so healthy and so helpful. It’s powerful stuff.

Also, my work trade position for the conference was fire tender during the late night drum circles on Friday and Saturday nights. I still am not sure what sort of magickal transformation I underwent, but it was pretty powerful. Something about building the literal fires that provided warmth and light for the drummers and the dancers fed my internal fires, and I sang and danced and chanted with wild abandon both nights. I like to think of it as having opened my throat chakra, allowing my voice and my creativity to flow freely. I came back from the conference so much… freer, less inhibited, more empowered, more vocal and communicative. It has been great!

After the conference, I worked two solid weeks with Brian Love, finishing up the house, which is beautiful. (I’ll get pictures up soon!) And when I say I worked two solid weeks, I mean I worked two solid weeks – 110 hours all together. I got it while the getting was good, and I am very proud of that. Now, I am glad to slow down… a bit.

As much as I would love to update more about those crazy hours and the feats that I accomplished, I have got to get going. More later, though, now that things are slowing down a bit.

Love to all!


Friday, October 14, 2011

I have been made very aware that there are several people eagerly anticipating an update, so here we go…

I had a spectacular birthday. The Friday before my actual birth-day, I hosted an open-invitation dessert potluck and game night, which was blast and a half! About twenty-five people showed up, bearing delicious cakes, breads, and even ice cream, and we played a variety of side-splittingly hilarious games. We finished up with “Honey, I Love You,” in which one person must go around to one of those sitting in the circle and say (in some permutation) “Honey, I love you, won’t you please smile?” The person must then respond, “Honey, I love you, but I just can’t smile” without smiling. Riotous hilarity ensued.

Then, on my actual birthday, my dear friend Chynna came over to make dinner for a smaller group of Medicine Wheelers and close friends. She made the most incredible lasagna I have ever eaten in my life – with all organic ingredients! Mmmm! We followed that up with an equally incredible carrot cake, make by Earthaven’s official pastry chef, Eli. When we were done, we all piled in Chynna’s SUV and went to the local contra dance and danced the night away. Contra is so much fun, especially as a woman. I just have to follow (and laugh!) as I am whirled through the excitement of the lines, and partners, and neighbors. Delightful!

In other news, I have been busier than ever.

As he approaches the deadline to finish the house, Brian Love has plenty of work to keep me going literally from dawn until dusk. I am not complaining, though, as I am making a significant amount of money in a very discrete period of time.

In addition to the 10 and 11-hour days with Brian, I still have my responsibilities at Medicine Wheel, as a work exchanger, as kitchen manager, and as a member of the household. It just sort of happened (perfect-storm style) that Patricia and Steven both left to visit Texas for the month of October and I got this six-week job at the same time. Anyway, with those two gone, a lot of household chores and tasks have fallen to the already fully burdened shoulders of Lyndon and I. For example, I am now fully responsible for the garden, which is still bearing a lot of the fruits of the summer’s labor.

Needless to say, I have been dropping more than a couple balls, which doesn’t feel great. I am usually so on top of things. I dislike the feeling of knowing that I am repeatedly missing connections and that, due to my commitments and priorities, there really isn’t anything I can do to change that. As much as I would love to, I can’t add more hours to the day! If this breakneck pace were to go on indefinitely, something would absolutely have to give; as it is, I can suck it up for six weeks to ensure financial stability for a solid six months. Sleep is for the weak. ;P

Right now, I have time to write this because I am at the Southeast Women’s Herbal Conference! I am SO excited about it. It was at this conference last year that I fell in love with this area, starting the chain of event, which would eventually bring me to Earthaven. In that sense, it is almost like an anniversary.

I am very excited on many different counts. This weekend I intend to:

- Relax! I am giving myself the weekend off. I don’t have to do anything, which is a relief after weeks of heavy ToDo lists.

- Learn. So many wonderful teachers are offering so many interesting classes, I can hardly decide what to attend! I will definitely check back in afterwards, though, to report in on what I learned.

- Eat incredible food that I neither have to prepare nor clean up after! I am actually especially excited about this.

This year, I am work trading for my conference registration fee, and since I am now a neighbor to the conference staff, I have been involved in pre-conference set-up. To help with loading and unloading (and to hitch a free ride), I came a day early. Since the conference doesn’t start until this afternoon and my work trade doesn’t start until this evening, I have this whole morning free, which is very exciting.

Also, the conference hasn’t even officially started, and I have already had an interesting experience. The conference is held at scenic Camp Rockmont, and I decided to camp (which is free) instead of getting a bunk in a bunkhouse (which is expensive and not particularly private). Unfortunately, last night, we had a rainstorm with high winds. I had a tarp over my tent that kept me pretty dry, but the winds were so intense that I thought I was going to blow away! At one point in the night, the wind tore my tarp right off my tent, and I had to get out and re-tie it. Needless to say, I look forward to a nap after lunch.

Speaking of which, it’s time for lunch, so I gotta go!


Friday, September 23, 2011

Makin' Some Money and Takin' My Medicine...

Hey y'all!

I only have time for another short update, so here it goes...

I got a job working for Brian Love, one of Earthaven's natural building contractors. It is going really well. He is building this absolutely beautiful eco-mansion for a newly-wed couple. It is really stunning, and I hope to get pictures one of these days. I have done a lot of sanding and finishing, using a natural finish call Rainforest (which smells like orange peels). Today I had to stand on the (unfinished) counter in the kitchen to sand and re-finished some damaged areas on the joists and the sub-flooring. A few years ago I don't think I would have been able to do it, but having climbed Machu Picchu, I can now handle dangling precariously four feet above the concrete flooring to get that little spot just out of my reach.

I have also been managing a slight head cold. Luckily, I have plenty of herbalist friends around help me heal myself. River Otter made this super awesome elderberry-wild cherry syrup (for respiratory support). I gotta say, I love the good, old fashioned medicines made with fresh berries and herbs, local raw organic honey, and a fair bit of brandy... to preserve it, y'know.

Well, busy busy busy. Off to dinner now.



Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Back in Action

Hello all!

I just want to give a quick update to let y'all know that I am back in action. Which is good, because there is SO MUCH awesome stuff happening.

I am back in the garden, playing with my plants. After several weeks of staying inside and quiet, nursing my poison ivy, I almost forgot how happy it makes me to be with growing things.

I am spending a good deal of time and energy helping to pull off the Village Harvest Festival coming of this Saturday, which promises to be a fantastic time. We are going to have talks and and tours and demos, food and vendors, music and dancing, and playback theatre in the evening. I am really excited!

I also have several jobs prospects on the horizon and an Exploring Member interview scheduled for October 4th.

Life is good.


the MollyWog

Monday, September 12, 2011

Crisis Averted

So I suppose I owe y'all an update after that last crazy entry. Unfortunately, this one is no less tumultuous! The good news is that my many recoveries are coming along.

I am finally done being itchy! It is nice to see that this too does indeed pass. I am hyperconscious, now, of where I am and what I am touching, especially in the garden, but I am deciding to put that focused observation, which can yield great insight, to good use.

Ulcer re-recovery is also coming along. I only got two and a half days in on the cabbage juice fast, but I still think it did well for me. Whenever I fast (and I actually do one-day fasts on occasion), I find it helpful in remembering the difference between physical hunger and appetite, which I think is really important. I don't need to be putting any unnecessary strain on my stomach, and eating only what I physically need and not necessarily what I emotionally want is a big step toward that. I am still trying to eat less and more frequently, which requires a good bit of foresight to bring snacks when I am out and about. I am avoiding spicy and heavy foods, alcohol, caffeine, and sugar, all of which are reputed to be hard on ulcers. I have been drinking herbal teas with a bunch of different herbs indicated for ulcers, stomach, and digestion. Most importantly, I think, I have been (trying to) take it easy. I feel so blessed to be in a space where I can just be "out-of-commission" for a while. Everyone has been so very loving and supportive.

Which is pretty lucky, because I am just turning the corner after a brief emotional breakdown. I am not sure what it was or caused it. I think a bunch of factors all collided for a perfect storm of momentary insanity. But, amazingly enough, I think I have worked through it already. It started on Thursday, but this community holds such a beautiful space for healing that I was able to experience my breakdown, analyze it, work through it, and turn it into a breakthrough pretty seamlessly indeed.

Between the full-body poison ivy and the reemergence of ulcer issues, I was already feeling a whole range of emotions from frustration to fear to anger to inadequacy, and so many more, some of which I cannot name and do not understand.

Then, to add to that mess, on Thursday I started to get really frustrated with school. First off, I am discovering that being a full-time student and a full-time Earthavener are mutually exclusive activities. There simply and literally are not enough hours in the day. Well, maybe if I had the energy to work 18-hour days, seven days a week, it might be an achievable feat – Earthavener by day, student by night. But the simple fact is that I just don’t have that kind of energy (thus the feelings of inadequacy). I could try, but this minor emotional breakdown makes it very clear and obvious that pushing too hard would just be counterproductive. I would just be burning myself out, and I do not believe that that would be a wise decision.

Then this class that I am in, Introduction the Liberal and Independent Studies, keeps asking all these questions like “Why are you in college?” and “What are you hoping to gain from your degree?”

Backtracking a moment to give you some more context: Something that I am learning here is deep and profound honesty with myself and openness with others, which I am finding it very freeing and very healing and very helpful in creating a healthier relationship with myself and others. All those years that I struggled with depression and anxiety, part of the problem was that I was not being honest with myself or open with others. I was not emotionally mature enough to confront my pain and say, “No, no I am not okay, and this is how I feel and why.”

What I have found here at Earthaven is that not only is it okay but it is preferable to express what you are really feeling, to experience it, to share it, to analyze it, to work with it and through it. When someone asks, “How are you?” that person actually expects to hear what is really on your mind. Earthaven is actually home to a new and different (budding) culture of profound emotional health and for the first time in my life, I really feel like the truth is setting me free.

Enter tough questions about my academic and career goals, and two different, emotionally-charged quandaries. First, I was torn between giving a bluntly honest, first-thought response (right now, I am only in college because my family doesn’t want me to drop out... essentially, I am doing the "right thing for the wrong reasons," and I know it) and thinking out the answers that I believe the professor is looking for, which may or may not be what he is actually looking for or would deem acceptable. It doesn't seem like that big of an issue, but when I am newly experiencing the freedom of openness and honesty, it is really heart-wrenching to have to work within the limitations of a culture that doesn't necessarily value that honesty.

Second, being honest with myself about those questions, I find that I am actually very internally conflicted, and frankly, afraid. I am burnt out on traditional schooling and have been for a long time; that is a very simple fact. Another simple fact: I am a radical, and I would never be satisfied with the standard American nine-to-five, which “getting a degree” is supposed to be preparing me for.

At the same time, even at Earthaven or in a similar community, it is not (yet) possible to entirely disconnect myself from the money economy, no matter how much it conflicts with my ethics and values and philosophy of life. So when I see people with BAs unable to find work (except at Wal-Mart), it scares the shit out of me. It seems that these days you have to have a BA to be a checker or a waitress! The economy is so terrible and jobs are so scarce that people are competing viciously over the previously undesirable jobs. While I don’t want to have any part of that culture of scarcity, I still have to recognize that I have to figure out a way to get by while creating a culture of abundance. And while I would be perfectly happy to live on the “economic fringes,” making just enough to get by, it seems that even “just enough to get by” is becoming less and less attainable.

So, yes, it would be a damn good idea to go ahead and get the degree. But, I am still faced with same problems. I am still burnt out. I feel it acutely. I absolutely dread working on my class work, despite the fact that I know that a lot of it is very interesting and engaging. So, despite the above, no amount of fear and “shoulds” are relighting that fire.

What is relighting my passion for learning is experiencing learning at Earthaven. I learn so much every day just by living here. I am not taking tests or writing essays, but I am learning and deeply integrating skills that I believe will be very important for my future.

Fortunately, as a result of all this agonizing, I think that I have figured out an acceptable course of action. Essentially, I am going to finish LIS 301 (Introduction to Liberal and Independent Studies – the course where you design your Liberal Studies degree) and see what happens.

I could continue as a part-time student, taking one or two classes at a time (like Saralin). I already have that independent study on anarchy with Richard Gilman-Opalsky (best. radical. philosophy. prof. ever.) scheduled for next semester. I think that I could handle being an Earthavener and doing a couple of free-form independent studies each semester until I finish my degree. That way, I could be a student and live in a way that is in keeping with my values and ethics and philosophy of life.

I could go back to Springfield next semester and dedicate myself to doing nothing but finishing my degree. If I did that I would graduate at the end of next summer. They might even let me walk in the spring, if I only have one summer class left to finish up. Then, once my college trauma, er, experience, is out of the way, I would be really free to come back to Earthaven and focus completely on being here. However, that doesn't address the burnt-out-ness...

I could take a break next semester and dedicate myself to doing nothing but being an Earthavener and getting myself settled in here. Then, once I have secured a sure place for myself here, I might find myself able to be an Earthaven and a student after all.

I am leaning, right now, towards the first option, but I think my best bet is simply to allow the course to unfold and see where it takes me.

But getting back to my emotional breakdown/breakthrough, I guess what happened was that my issues with school dredged up fear, doubt, insecurity, and pain way beyond the scope of not knowing how to answer a particular question. In fact, it opened Pandora’s box of existential crisis, and I had to face all of the terrifying things that came out. Fortunately, there was hope in the bottom, and that hope is the beautiful community that I am becoming a part of.

My community has been so good to me! It literally brings me to tears just how amazingly blessed I am. Here I am; I have only been here for, what, a little less than four months? I am having these crazy health challenges followed immediately by an emotional meltdown, which have made me (in my estimation) totally useless for weeks. And yet, I continue to feel boundless love and support from my "extended family." They understand and they care and they want me to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself, despite the fact that that means I am not able to be working on certain projects. They keep telling me that they are happy that I am here and that they want me to be part of their tribe. Here I feel like I am so clearly demonstrating that I can’t pull my own weight and that I wouldn’t make a reliable team member… that I am inadequate. I guess I was projecting onto them this (unfounded) idea that they would be better off without having to deal with me and my emotional breakdowns. But when I think about it, if I were in their shoes, I wouldn’t just write someone with so much potential off because she needed healing. If we wrote off everyone who needs healing, who would be left?

And still, finding love and support and understanding where I was afraid that I would find rejection and loss is in itself incredibly healing. I feel so blessed to be here, so blessed to be among people who understand, who love me, who see my potential, who want me to be part of their tribe. Wow.

Well, I guess that is enough for now, huh? It has taken me all day (literally) to digest and process this into something resembling communication, but it has been time very well spent. Eventually, I will tell the story of the crazy events going on all around me in the external world while I was going through the heart of this breakdown/breakthrough. (In short, I was forgotten in town, spent a night at an Asheville community house, then came home to a delightful celebration of Founding Day... on September 11th. It is, in hindsight, a great story, but it must wait for another time.)

P.S. This might look really neat and tidy now, but know that it is the result of several days spent in emotional turmoil trying to figure out just what the fuck I am doing with my life. Breakdown, breakthrough. Praise the Goddess for the cycles of life.